It's been ages since I wrote in here. Yeah people its called a life. haha JK. Stupid laptop is infected with a dumb virus. I barely use this shit cause there's no microsoft word on here yet its every prgm is infected and stupid IE keeps popping up with stupid porn. WTF....  Anyways I am rather exhausted its 2 in the morning and I took a caffefine pill to work on stats hw... only to find that i turned in today's classwork which was incomplete instead of yesterdays homework!. UGH! da hell. I am hungry and tired. And for some reason I am in love with the song Down. Jay Sean's song came out awhile ago. I heard it, got sick of it now im back on it like a drug.ahahah. College. wow. in about half a year senior yr will be over, and everyone will start their life all over again with college. Fresh start. I can't imagine going to college. It seems as if I've been in ahs my entire life. These 4 yrs, these not so great and fun 4 yrs, changed me. I know, I still act rather bold, childish, and rash but I have truly matured even if its only a little bit. I still consider it a change in me. And i dont ever want to change. Senior year, what can i say? This year, I have or think I've gotten a tiny bit smarter, a tiny bit more understanding of who I truly am, and a tiny bit more knowledgeable about the world out there. about the people out there. Senior year is so chill. I love it. I love my life too currently. Funny, I thought this relationship wasnt going to last long but I guess things change. I like him alot. which is pretty unfortunate because the as each day passes and the more i fall for him, the more scared I get of what's going to happen to us in the future. Will I be able to let go? Will everything change once I enter in college? Everyone tells me that its better to be single in college, obviously, because college is all about the fun. And if you are tied down, how are you going to meet new people? But at the same time, im scared if I will ever find a guy like him. I mean a guy like him. Someone who really likes me, even in the beginning when I was doubtful of this relationship. In the beginning, alot of people told me I was lucky. I didnt care, didnt wanna hear it. The day after he asked me out, I almost wanted to break up because I was sick of people asking me, I was sick. I dont know what kind of emotions were running through me but I couldn't stop crying because I didnt know why. haha. i cry so easily. I cry over spilled milk for godsakes. But now, everything has changed. I think I have a crush on my own boyfriend haha. I guess people do really grow on you. Right now the only thing that is running through my head, is the fear of pain thats going to come in the future. The painful experience of letting go and moving on. My cousin dated a girl for two years in high school. They had a mutual break up because she went to Cal while he attended Davis. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about her for the first year it wasnt til the second year he got over her. I'm scared. I cried yesterday because I was so scared. I fall hard for guys I really like. And they usually take forever for me to get over them. And  let me say, I overcome that thing that paralyzed my mind and heart ever since freshmen year. The hope, the crush, is all gone. I mean sometimes like RARELY does he ever cross my mind. Just probably memories of high school with him as a friend. i guess after high school I'll never see him again. And to think that when I first walked into high school, I thought it was him. Good riddens. gosh i drink too much water. constantly have ot pee. ew. its goddam cold right now :/

S.

Is it true that true love differs from each person? Is love suppose to be complicated or something that I shouldn't worry about? There's one thing I learned in life, is that questions in life are never answered but only altered. Why? because everyday you get closer to the answer but in reality, you'll never get it. It's like infinity in math, you get closer and closer. I am happy to admit i really like this guy. really really like him. Not enough to use that the L- word. haha. but I can use the L-word for traits I L-word about him. haha I love how patient he is with me. I love how he is smarter than me. I love how he teaches me something new everyday. I absolutely love his hugs and the fact he doesnt lie ever. I love the fact that he holds up his reputation when people say hes a good guy. But I'm scared for some reason, the harder I'm falling for him the more scared i get. I'm not scared of losing him to another girl.its just this image, this scene replays in my head...
its summer after the end of college. I'm walking on park st. pass the spot where the cutest memories were formed and I stand there longing, hoping, wishing it would all rewind and let me live it one more time. Just as I was about to start walkin again, there he is laughing with one arm around this girl. This girl I can't seem to see but she laughing with him and she staring with love in her eyes at him. Me and his eyes meet, I crack a smile and greet him with the boring and dull questions: Oh, how are you? What happen? Wasup? and Who is this? and he tells me its her. shes the one. I felt liek my heart dropped and try to keep my smile up. and he asks me the same question. I answer with same boring dull questions. We hug and we say our farewells. and thats it. That's the story of how everything ended. From friends to lovers, from lovers to simple classmates.
i dont want it to end. And the strange thing is, in the beginning of all this relationship, I wanted it to end so badly. but now I feel like I keep digging and if i lose the light then its all over. I wont be able to get out. I just dont want it get awakard or we lose touch forever if something happens.

"We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth."

I just finished reading the gemma doyle trilogy and i must say i love it. Thats y i bought the entire series :D the end is of each book is always full of quotes and wisdom. its mostly about how one can truly change their fate and destiny. It was rather sad the third one even after the 2nd time i read it. Anyways today was a rather good and chill day. Spent the hot summer day in the house reading and tetrising then going out for dinner :]. I wish to have more lazy days like these... ahhh summer feels good with no classes to tend. Yet sometimes summer feels like things are missing. In the car while driving back home my mind started to wander. I know i shouldnt be thinking of some things buh they just go wherever they choose. I'm stuck in a state of ponderance looking out the window and hoping..longing... wishing still mabe. What if? These feelings should be normal I mean coming out sometimes from here and there but I wish they would subside because these feelings are no good to me anyways. But these feelings, these memories sighhh i miss them alot. They made me extremely happy in freshmen yr. Its what stirrs me back in the day.It was what gave me butterflies. i know every bond is different but I havent felt those feelings, those butterflies, the stuttering for awhile. Well hopefully they'll pass and I can move forward. im tired i should be getting to bed. eh


To those who will see, the world waits.

AP's are officially over! Whoopeee? Now to study for SAT II's SIKE! lol ok maybee later I will. Buh ughh my dad isnt coming from hk til june something basically until I get outta skul. I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING IN HIS POSITION TO PAY BILLS! I had to call three companies. One for home phone, cuz its jacking up. Second my cell fone bill to ask for mistakes on my texting cuz apparently I billed over quite alot.. lol. Then my cable seds they we havent payed for 56 DAYS! WTF. ugh goshers I hate so much bein an adult. Well stress reliever was to get out of the house and play some sports?! LOL. not really wen we got there they were playing tug a war. buh later the whole thing got cancelled cuz stupid kids dont know how to respect shit. they threw all the food on the floor. Water was squirted everywhere and i got splashed. Some kid knocked some others kid opened water bottle and all of it splashed on me. it was pretty fun overall even with some pissy moods and depressed ppl at the end. lets just say the night didnt end all that bad outside buh mann I SLEPT 13 hrs. i havent done that since summer..